Loving Life
Current mood: content
Category: Life
I have been thinking and talking w/ Ed, Chip, Stu, and Zac lately about how strange life is. I sometimes feel like life sucks, and how many troubles I've been through and what I have to go through. To put it in one word, EMO!!! If you see me a lot, you will know that most of the time, I'm in a depressed mood. If I can't go somewhere, or meet someone, or do something, I get first pissed, then depressed. There was once a time where I as always depressed, and angry at the world. It got to the point where I was driven to suicide to try to just end it all and I lost the will to live. My best friend died, my mentors were gone, my girlfriend dumped me, and I saw my friends throw their lives down the drain through drugs, alchohol, and partying. I just wanted to die. I thought "what do I have to live for? There's nothing here for me, I have nothing!!!" But for some reason, every time I held the razor blade to my throat, every time I got close to ending it all, something held me back. Something or someone would just not let me actually stab myself. I could not bring myself to do it. Today, as I was reading my bible, it hit me, and i just broke down and cried. I just called out to God, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I've done, what I do. please just help me find Joy, help me find an eternal happiness, help me find meaning." I just lost it all right there. It hit me like a train on a track. I need to love life. I realized, I have people who love me and care for me. I have a forever friend, who no matter what I do, will love me forever. I'm in a good band, with good friends, I have physical fitness, I can skateboard, I can run I can jump! I have eyes to see and ears to hear. I realize how fortunate I am to have parents who love me, friends who will stay with me, and a forgiving God who has shown mercy innumerable times. I have a source of true happiness, true joy. I know that with Jesus Christ, my lord and savior who died for my sins, I am happy. He died for me. He died so I could live. And if for nothing else, that is more than worth living for. Through Christ, I have learned to love life.
Please talk to me about this stuff. As my friends and even you who I don't know, I care. I care about you. So just give me a call, maybe we can hang out, talk over breakfast, whatever. I'll ain't going anywhere anytime soon.
-Mike
